Holy Crap

When I moved to Miami from Tampa two years ago, I had no idea what was in store for me. My advice to anyone relocating to a new city or neighborhood: 1) Before you sign that contract or lease, visit your local grocery store. Why? Because you might round the corner in your neighborhood Publix and encounter this...major shelf space dedicated to holy candles?

..

WTF?

Saint Lazarus

I said to myself "Toto we're not in Kansas anymore." Of course no one understood me as no one spoke my language. Upon closer inspection I noticed one Saint that was very popular...the ever creepy Saint Lazarus (no offense Saint Lazarus)

Saint Lazarus is the Patron saint of lepers, the sick, and those with AIDS. He is depicted as a thin man on crutches, clothed with rags, with leprous sores on his body. He is accompanied by dogs, who lick his wounds in an attempt to heal him. I later discovered the spirit of Lazarus the beggar is petitioned for assistance in spells pertaining to financial aid.

Two years later, now that I'm a real Miami Bitch, both my office and apartment are populated with St. Lazarus candles. You know Miami ain't cheap? Bitch needs a raise to pay for her dry cleaning bill (more later about keeping clean on the Metrorail).

And two years later, I am relocating from Kendall to Brickell, as soon as I can find an apartment.  Why?

• I have had a very difficult time learning Spanish..okay I don't want to learn Spanish.
• I am sick of spending two hours a day in transit on mass transit. 

Praise the LORD!!!

My living space will be reduced to 820 square feet and my rent will increase by $820.00, but it's all good...cuz, saints be praised... check out the results of the Brickell Publix recon mission yesterday.  

Instant Sympathy

When I mention I'm from Miami...I get it (see above).  The response is usually as if someone farted, the nose crinkles up and they say..."oh I'm so sorry for you." 

I'm here to tell you that every over the top thing you've heard about Miami is...SO TRUE, and then some.

So on my latest adventure home girl picks me up to go to an unnamed fabric store.  Her car is a POS, and she swears on New Year's Day she's gonna clean it out.  "Bitch, it will take you the entire year to clean up this crap," I wanna say, but don't. So we head into uncharted territory, okay we head into the hood, only to discover said fabric store is closed. I'm dying of hunger. I've gotta eat. So this is the joint home girl selects for our lunch:

Snappers Restaurant

Needless to say the bill of fare included nothing healthy.  All I could think of was "dot pink boy" in Bad Monkey who lost all his fur after subsisting on a diet of  johnny cakes and conch fritters, which is exactly what I ordered.  I was nearly passing out from hunger and dug into my repast with hesitant gusto.

Well ain't I miss smarty pants, it was the best damn food I've had for the entire year of 2013.  So next time you're in Miami, bitches, stop at Snappers Restaurant, and you too will say "Fay, this is delicious!'